Just follow your heart?

February 13, 2008 at 12:22 am · Filed under Life

People are always saying, “follow your dreams”, but what if you don’t know how to get there? I just recently discovered my talent and passion for writing, it’s something that I love to do and a way to express how I’m feeling without actually having to say it. I plan on going to college for journalism, but there is something bigger that has grabbed my attention. Horses. I can’t even begin to describe how absolutley wonderful they are. I have a buddy of my own. His name is Spirit, and he’s such a love. When I try to picture my future I don’t see pens and paper, I see a ranch in the middle of no where, just me and my horses. Writing is a career, but horses are my dream.

I want to move away so badly to just be free from the world’s chains. I think, so far I am at the lowest point in my life and horses are all I have keeping me up. Just to be around them makes me feel good. I dream about that place where I want to be a few years from now, but it almost seems unrealistic. It is a dream after all. So, how do I make my dreams…come true?  

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“Father” is not the right adjective…

February 11, 2008 at 1:29 am · Filed under Life

I’m sure if you’re human you’ve been hurt once or twice by someone you love. I never thought that was supposed to happen never-mind more than once. It was a slap across the face when it happened once, and then my heart looked like it had been beaten with a baseball bat. The first person to ever truly break my heart was my own flesh and blood. My father is a man of no emotions. He hides whatever he’s feeling only when he knows he’s wrong. ( Which he never admits to being.) On his side of the family if you were a woman, you were meant to be seen and not heard, and if you cried you were told to suck it up and go on as if nothing ever happened. Unfortunately, I contain that quality. I keep everything inside, and when I’m at my breaking point it all comes out at once. I make myself sick and I just burst into tears.

I am a lot like my father. I’m extremely stubborn and head strong, but I am also very determined and motivated. I’m a perfectionist and I have to have things done my way or I become OCD. I’m a competitive girl and I rarely give up, but when it comes to breaking down, that’s when you know I’ve had enough.

My parents are divorced and my father lives in Florida. Being that we are so much alike, we butt heads all the time and we can never seem to get along. It’s an unhealthy relationship and that’s why I avoid him all together. He lies to me all the time just to make him look like the better parent. (All he foes is pay child support, so technically, he’s not really a “parent”.) Once I was old enough to realize it, I let the bombs drop. I told him how I felt about him, and how I just wanted him to leave me alone. I haven’t spoken with my dad for about a year. He calls every now and then, but I never answer. I purposely put him in my phone as, “Don’t Answer” because I don’t care what he has to say to me anymore. He leaves messages telling me how much he loves me and misses me, but I’ve been dealing with his shit for too long and it’s gotten to a point where it’s “what now? what the hell could you possibly want now?” and I’m sick of it.

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